Nana, I watched Dr. Phil today>>and altho he is not my god>>my God used him for a moment with words of wisdom. He said that he's heard it time and again from (reliqious) quotes, that TIME will heal all pain of loss. But that is not so. It's how we choose to handle the pain.
Nana...It's three in the morning, and I continue to hurt too, altho Jacky has twenty'five year of an earthly lead (age) on baby Micah.
Hold my hand, Nana>>((I need you)) and we will comfort each other into a new tomorrow.....for'ever this life, until we are both stable enough to go on. I mean...wow! I'm up at three in the morning on a Jacky'memo to my barn. (private pals). That's not cool. Or is it?
Dunno, but it's not stable. But at the same time>>private pals are here for the comfort. Have been for years... So I guess that they add to my stability.
Hold my hand, Nana! I'mmmm>holdin' yours in spirit.
And of course>>we love our babes, and they love us.
TO ALL THAT LOVED THIS CHILD I AM SO SORRY FOR YOUR PAIN THEY SAY TIME WILL HEAL ALL WELL THATS SOMETHING I CAN'T SAY TO YOU TIME MIGHT GO ON BUT TO HEAL ME I CAN'T THINK OF ANYTHING THAT CAN HEAL THIS BUT BELIEVE AND TRUST I'M HERE FOR YOU AT ANYTIME IF I CAN HELP YOU I'M NANA AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE
No darkness where Micah is, Nana! Rev 22:25 "And there shall be no night there; and they need no candle, neither light of the sun; for the Lord God giveth them light; and they shall reign forever and ever."
Micah and Jacky are happy campers. I know, tho....we sure miss them so.
UNLESS YOU SPENT TIME WITH THESE TWO
WHAT YOU MISSED WAS AMAZING I
CAN REMEMBER THE LAUGHTER
THE KISSES HUGS THE
GRUNTS TO MAKE
THOSE HUGS
GRAND
GOD I LOVE THAT WORD MICAH WOULD
HAVE BEEN SOMETHING GRAND
HIS MOTHER IS MY LOVE
PART OF WHAT WAS
AT ONE TIME MY
GRAND PLAN
HE HAD
A
GRAND SMILE A GRAND LAUGH
GRAND KISSES AND HUGS
YOU ALWAYS KNEW
HE WAS MICAH
I WILL NEVER FORGET
HIS LIFE
"MICAH NANA"
HE WOULD SAY
THE TEARS DO NOT STOP
THE PAIN
GROWS DEEPER EVERYDAY
GOD I MISS THIS CHILD
when i come home from work i still look to see if Micah's running nana home mom nana home every time i walked in and i would say yap nana home baby walk to the leaving room and say hey what cha all doin nuttin nana i play with Micah ball everything was Micah first he wanted you to know he was Micah and you were nana oh god how i miss this child he was "GRAND"so wonderful nothing seems happy now no one wants to do anything not like we did a lot then but nothing now i ttry to get my little girl out of the house she says i want to stay home mom she would not go to her birthday party with out his pic so we took it and he held her balloons from flying away the tears she shed's every night break my heart no matter how you try to redirect to an activity she is not interested she has lost so very much
Angela my love is in so much pain and is trying to stand tall everyday for baby "DE"our life was simply and we argued she wanted to succeed so bad and get her own place now she just goes through the motions they think they know her they don't she's my heart and i am here she will need me more than she knows one day Janice i need the spirit of the lord to sweep through my family very soon or we will i fear all be lost i'm off again today and these are bad days when no one is home but me i crash badly i ca't breathe and the tears just flow
Thank you for your kind words on Jacky's site, Nana. I guess that we will forever have days that we're more down than up, periods that we lack motivation. Days that we squirm under that INTENSE desire to turn back time. Lonely only days, lonely to have back what once was. I guess mine are easier because I'm choosing to go with the flow of those emotions, rather than fighting them. I'm trying easy, rather than trying hard. I'm enjoying the lives around me, yet allow myself to cry for the one that left me. It's when I am alone that it's worse, but then....there are times that I want to be alone so that I can continue to feel that pain. If there wasn't any pain attached, then there would really have been no love lossed. And then there are times that I want to be alone simply to dredge up the good times, conversations of past. Even that brings tears, but tears of love are okay. Tears of grief are okay. Just go with the flow.
We all handle our losses so differently. I have lost a son. You have lost a grandson. We've neither been in each other's shoes, but yet we suffer the same pain of LOSS. I have to tell you, though, that altho Jacky was a mama's boy and I DOTED on him, awaited his daily drop'ins, and miss him TREMENDOUSLY....losing a grandchild would have to be a painful and bitter pill to swallow. I know, I only have one, and she is my LIFE. And especially if that gr'child lived with you and was so bonded to you because of the fact>>and then to die so YOUNG. My Haven (and Angie) lived with me off and on for most of Haven's five years of life, and still, I have the child about ten hours a day while her mother works... We are SOOOO bonded! I can't say that I'm experiencing your same feelings, but I sure can say that I CAN IMAGINE YOUR PAIN! Especially when that pain holds un'answered "WHAT HAPPENED?" questions!
Cry, Nana. It's okay. Just don't leave God out of your tears. Keep asking him why, and listen for his answer. I have a strong faith, as my family does, and altho I don't fully know God's plan, I do believe his word that all souls were formed at once in heaven and will be sent back INSTANTLY to our father. It's not like Micah and Jacky are laid up in some hole in the ground. Their spirits are truly free. It's us left here (in the flesh) that feel like we got a slap in the face, got the rug pulled from beneath our feet...wonder WHAT JUST HAPPENED? One thing that I do know is that we WILL see them again. Just believe! Another....I believe that the youngest that go first were the most mighty of warriors in heaven wayyyy back when our souls were created. Your Micah, so very young, must have been one of the most mighty.
Oddly, Jacky gave me comfort himself shortly after he died. These were found by Angie, (I think near his bed), when she was clearing out his apartment. He wrote these, and this one will be on his grave'cover, which is why it is taking so long to get his grave'cover done.
My Jacky's words:
To be persecuted, to lay your life down for the love that has come to set you free
From the nothing that you may have something.
To give up very little and gain every bit
The persecutioner's intent was to take life away, but gave the persecuted for his faith, his gift from God in heaven
These men know what a deep breath feels like.
The fragrance of life surrounds their air.
They sing a praise that gives the death aid of hearing.
They see visions that will set sights in a blind man's eyes.
I would be willing for my Lord to die, that I many live real.
Everlasting, Jacky Amos
The other that he wrote:
Jesus,
If I met you on the corner
would I know you as you are
Would I take you for a stranger
and brush past you in the door
If you called me would I hear you,
or would I walk away too soon?
If I lingered for a moment,
would I see myself in you?
If I fought you as a soldier,
if I had you in my sights
Would you ask me to remember who imagined I was right?
If you witnessed my surrender
do I know what I would do?
Well I dreamed my end was near
I was almost gone.
If I dreamed that dream from here
Can I still come home?
Jesus if you held me like my father
would I see myself in you?
Everlasting
See, Nana, why I can hang to my faith and peace? It's like my own son left me with...a smile. It is the most valuable thing that he left me with, these writings.
Unlike you. You are left without closure, and I understand. But I also believe that you can receive it, that peace that you are so desperately seeking>>both you and your Angela. (I know that she must be in incredible pain!!) But please have faith that our boys are well and alive in spirit. It's just us here that are hurting so.
Please know that I am forever here for you, and praying that you receive that peace and closure that you are so searching for.
I JUST CAN NOT BREATHE MOVE OR JUST THINK I MISS MICAH SO
I JUST CAN NOT THIS IS ALL
I JUST CAN NOT THINK THIS IS JUST TO HARD
I JUST CAN NOT FUNCTION SLEEP MOTIVATE OR EVEN JUST GIVE UP
I JUST CAN NOT I TRY TO GO THROUGH THE DAY AND NOT THINK OF THE PAIN AND
I JUST CAN'T I TRY TO COOK AND CLEAN AND
I JUST CAN'T I TRY TO WATCH A MOVIE AND
I JUST CAN'T I TRY TO PRAY AND
I JUST CAN'T I THINK PRAY
PRAY FOR WHAT IT WON'T MATTER
HE WON'T GIVE MICAH BACK
PEOPLE SAY GOD HAS A PLAN
WHAT PLAN WHAT CAN HE SAY WOULD EVER
MAKE THIS BETTER
THEY SAY GOD
DOES NOT MAKE MISTAKES
WILL
THIS IS A MISTAKE
TO ME I LOVED THIS CHILD SO HELP ME
amé a este niño y eso es lo que me siento no puedo explicar lo que me siento que el odio enojado vacia todos en uno pero sobre todo intentar solo colgar encendido
