micah lee david howard

Nana, you can take it.  You can make the journey.

Just choose to drink the water...

When Jacky was killed, it was like a slap in the face, I didn't want to accept it, WOULDN'T accept it on the drive to the hospital....but I know God, and asked Him to not leave me, whatever it was I was going to have to deal with...

The most serene CALM over'whelmed me, settled into me...I can't explain it, my worse nightmare was happening....and here I am calm at at such an awesome PEACE at that MOMENT!  The weeping and wailing going on around me....folks driving in miles from all directions for hours, and folks there from the get'go, witnesses, FAMILY and FRIEND witnesses...  I KNEW that the Holy Spirit was quietly giving me time to accept, and let to...and let God.

Soooo easy to do with our elderly, but not with our babes.

I said to God, no matter what the out'come, don't you dare leave me!!!  Because....I'm not turning YOU loose!

And He didn't...not from minute one, same as He has never left me from the get'go about twenty years ago when I first met Him.  I have drank from His fountain many times.

I never have ever turned loose.

But this was the WORSE moment of my lifel!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I picked up the cup of living water and drank from it, Nana.  I daily drink from it, because I daily need it.

Do I cry at times?  Yesss!  But I have peace and joy at the same time, because I have lifted that cup.

Do I understand?  Noooo...not all.  I try so hard to live for and please God, and believe me, it really gets fun.  And it can seem to get bad...

Do I get mad?  HECK YEAH!  Why does bad things happen to good people?  But I have learned to get mad at the right person>>the devil.  "The workers of iniquity have fallen.  They can't rise back up..."

Does that mean that bad things won't ever happen again?  NO.  This is EARTH, not Heaven, where Micah and Jacky dwell.  WE dwell.

 But it means that the devil is going to have an even more rough time here on earth trying to tear down God's annointed that REFUSE to be torn down because>>>they daily drink the water.  The living water.  Christ.  We can CHOOSE to get caught up in flesh emotions (which will  for be  but a minute), but naturally...our Spiritual emotions kick in...which...seems to sing us through life.

Drink from the cup that Christ offers.  CLAIM his promises.

Some would say...that cup is half empty...I want MORE...because I have been robbed.

Others would take that half empty cup and just GUZZLE!  (I'm a guzzler!)

Stay busy?  Heck yeah!  The shift (hours) don't count, but what you do for God does.

ONE simple hour to someone in need, asking for God's guidance every single mind'step of the way...leads to ultimate healing to your soul.  It doesn't have to be family. 

Actually, focus it away from family, (onto strangers),  but with your prayer'life (desires of your heart) focused on family....and you will sometime this time next year do a drop'jaw...of what God has/will truly accomplish for your family....mentally, emotionally, physically.....and spiritually.

And you will SMILE, Nana.

Do you see it happening?

Yes?  Then you are daring to pick up the cup...

No?  Then you're not trusting Him...

Trust HIM!!!

CHOOSE each day that you awaken..."This is the day that the Lord has made, I WILL be glad and rejoice in it!" 

CHOOSE that, and He will see that you can smile and be at peace within each of our days, no matte what...

No matter if it is your worse nightmare come true.

Love you Nana and family.  I chose to rejoice Micah's birth here on earth, same as I fretted that it would be hard back in April to throw that HUGE b'day party for Jacky.  But I CHOSE to enjoy it, despite my earthly emotion.  (I sure did, enjoy it, fifty some plus guest!)  Soooo many people here in honor of him, soooo much joy.....simply because I CHOSE to make it a day of rejoicing, rather than grieving.  Same as I plan for October.   The celebration of his heavenly back'to'home  (Heaven) birth.  This family chooses to rejoice!  We met him!  We knew him, been ups and downs with him.  We LOVE him.  We will smile with him, I promise. 

No tears here...not at our ceremony.  But...because I CHOOSE to enjoy that day...

I'm with you, Nana!

To the Family and Friends:

I would like to express my deepest sympathy to each of you. Although we are not acquainted with one another, we all know what it feels like to lose one of our loved ones to death. Our Heavenly Father feels the pain that you are going through. He promises that the day is soon to come in which he will wipe the tears of sorrow from our eyes forever and death will be no more. (Revelation 21:3-5) He also promises that all those in the memorial tombs (graves) will hear his voice and come out. (John 5:28,29) Until his words are fulfilled may each of you continue to take comfort in him.

My thoughts and prayers are with all who love and miss dear little Micah, especially today on his birthday, I can imagine heaven having the biggest party ever to celebrate and my son along with the other angels will fill micah's day with so much fun and laughter. Your precious angel is just adorable with his beautiful blonde hair and his amazing smile, Micah captured my heart instantly. I know how hard today is for you and wish there was something I could say to ease your heartache, I only pray that you find some comfort knowing that others care and will remember you beautiful son Micah. God Bless, Edwina Mitchell.

I am so sorry for your loss of a precious, beautiful son. Please accept my deepest sympathy.

My heart goes out to you.

Jo-Ann Pacenta

Lauren's mom ~ always and forever

Papaw is doing well for the moment.  Thanks for asking.

Yes, I have my sad moments.  It's only human nature.  I get sad knowing that Jacky would have really enjoyed this summer with us as he has summers in the past.  But also at the same time God uplifts my spirit, especially when I get into a praise mode whether I feel like it or not.  Once I start praising him for all that is well, and thank him that he is in charge of all that is NOT going well...then I really get an indiscrible happiness in my spirit.  It's that promise of peace.  Have you ever watched Joyce Meyers or Paula White, or read any of their books?  They are great teachers that leads you to searching the scriptures and promises of God.  They are truly annointed!  The come on CBN.

We all get cranky sometimes and are at our worse, but I've actually learned that there are scriptures of promise that we can lean on that will draw that great calm we so yearn to feel happening in our lives.  I really can't blame you for being upset at the funeral home, tho.  Micah deserves a stone.  If you don't mind my asking, what is the payoff of his stone?

"Love Me, and I will see to it that all things work together for your good...for I know the mind of My Spirit and I am constantly interceding for you according to MY will."  Romans 8:27-28

Keep your chin up, Nana.  It really does get better, altho I doubt ever a day will pass that we don't remember them and wish for them.

Dear Nana and Angie,

We sure miss our boys, don't we?  I sure wish that I could cheer you up by saying that they are in a better place.  Okay, but we STILL miss them!

Yes we do.  Not a day goes by that I don't stare into the sky hoping for just a glimpse of Jacky, hoping just to have him back HERE for one simple moment.

Not a day goes by that I don't think of Micah either, because in my mind and heart it just seems like he and Jacky are there hand in hand.  Maybe it's because of meeting Nana at God's direction, or maybe it's because of the time'line of their deaths.

Angie, I have weighed our sons deaths constantly.  I've counted the times that I've thanked God for my son in his later years, just soooo thanked him for a child that I could be proud of.  Then he died.

He was my best friend.  He was truly a mama's boy.

Then I think of Micah, wondering how so much harder this must be on you, than my loss on me.  For one, you don't get to know how your babe would have turned out by the age of twenty'eight.  You don't get that priviledge with Micah.

Also, when Jacky was three, I was very young and not nearly as mature as I thought that I was.  It didn't cross my mind to praise God daily for my child, so....if he had died at age three, then I would have been swallowed up in guilt as a young mother.  Because I sure wasn't a perfect mother when he was three.  FAR from it!!

Nor was I when he was twenty'eight.  Just more mature.  More grateful that I had turned to God by the time that he had become a teenager, more grateful that I saw what I had/have.  Grateful that he had become who is is because I had matured enough to change my focus on life.

Angie, you have your life ahead of you.  You are still SO young!  Look around you, all that love you, and embrace them.  Enjoy them.  Be grateful for them.  Be an example TO THEM!

Be a Micah and Jacky example.  They sooooo embraced life!!  So....what do you think that they are doing now?  They embraced life in their toddler years, and after a bout of struggle, Jacky began doing it again a few years before he died....once he truly found himself.  He embraced life at age twenty'eight, just as he did at three.  Just as Micah did.

Maybe this is why I see them hand in hand, a specially chosen two'some risen above us to embrace life even all the more than what they could possibly do down here.  We WILL see them again one day, baby girl, I promise!

It don't matter how they died, or why they died, and it is OKAY if we shed a tear because we miss them.

But let's not give up on life and others around us.  Let's not blame ourselves.  (My latest blame game was the scriptural...."the words of your mouth...."  I shook my head, knowing that very well that the spoken words of our mouth is spiritual, and wondered if I actually am the one that got Jacky killed by telling him repeatedly that those motor'cycles are death traps.)

But Satan works on our minds in such ways as that.  Even if (((I))) WAS the one that got him killed by speaking such openly....he IS embracing life all the more and in a more special way for it.  You can believe it, or not.  Micah and Jacky are happy!!  It's scriptural.

There are so many ways that God can work the good from this situation.  There are so many ways that God can use you from this experience.  There are so many young mothers out there that need a support system.  YOU can be that system.

You may not want to.  You may not feel like it.  You may would rather have Micah back than have to overcome the horrible experience.

Me neither, and me too.  I would rather have not had to suffer this horrible experience....

But like Jacky and Micah, I choose to embrace life, and those around me, strangers too.  I choose our little boy's examples of being boys that caused everyone around them to smile.  Like them, I choose to be an embracer of the worlds.

Nana, I hope that you're not really a mess again?  I know it, how it hurts us to see our children suffer, watch them grieve while trying to balance our own grief in order to stay healthy.  I soooo KNOW that Micah was the world to you, same as my Haven is to me.  Not even our children can surpass our heart feelings in the love department when it comes to our grandchildren.  But they are ALL kit'n'kaboodle....our ENTIRE lives.  They are such a very part of us.  They are our very heart.  This is how I know how your Angie suffers so.  And you.

Our kids.  What else do we really live for?  We laff, we cry, we over'scold, we under'scold...all because we love them so.  But when it comes right down to it...our heart is a barrel of LOVE, and we just need help from above to balance and manage it.

I take it you all don't know how Micah died.  It's okay, just realize where he is, and yes,, you all miss him.  I DO know how Jacky died>>>words that I openly predicted from my mouth.  I choose not to feel guilty for it.  I know where he is.

I choose to get back to embracing life, like they do, our boys.

Dear God, help Nana and Angie.  May they ask for that annointing that only YOU can provide through Christ Jesus upon the asking, and GIVE them that second wind to finish out life here, happily, despite the storms.  May they BOTH be used by YOU to help others....LIFT others up....in Jesus name.  Amen.

Your words ever so sweet, Nana!  Just remember, it's not me that caused you to want to continue living, but it is GOD that wanted you to continue on, and you simply needed a person that he could use, so it was my path that he sent you across.  He evidently needs you for reasons of his own....  Probably for your own family's sake, but who knows...with the job that you have,  you're NOT just a regular person.

Not only for your family or job or whatever worldly sake, but for my own sake too.  I'm no saint!  God gives me my highs in life via people such as yourself.  Just knowing that I've done or said something worthy on behalf of Him/Christ.....this is healing and feeding of Christ'life into my own soul.  It is soothing and joy to my spirit.

Nothing bad is happening to me.  (I'm tooo blessed, daily, no matter WHAT).  Jacky dying young is Satan's attack on me for being a good girl, hoping to cause me to lose my faith in my Lord, I would imagine, because he used another person to cause my son's death, (imagine what THAT family is going through?),   but...the oldies around me dying are just a part of this natural life.  The devil works against one's mind, saying....look at what all is happening to you, back to back.

Since 1998, almost year after year of it, I have battled constant elders dying, plus three young ones.  The young ones I consider attacks of Satan.  The elderly....is life.

I refuse to be stunned whatever the situation. 

Christ is my rock, and heaven my aim, but mean'time, I WILL get up and CHOOSE to enjoy my day despite what happens, becasuse>>>>>this is the day that the Lord has made.  I WILL be glad and rejoice in it.

Because I have learned how to do that.

You are learning too, Nana.

I smile.

Daddy is back on oxygen, because of fluid in his lungs, something to do with phenumonia threat....

Despite it all, he's pulling a grumbling ruckus on the nurses...

Thanks, Nana.  I'm hanging in here, as each morning I promise the Lord that this is the day that he has made, and I'm determined to enjoy it in some way, shape,  form or fashion.  And I do!  He always comes through for me.

There is not a moment of the day that I can't count my blessings and truly enjoy the hour....

Despite the moments that can bring me to my knees within each and every one of them (days).  WHAT a long year it has been!!  I had planned on it being a year of new beginnings for ME, but...I can actually be excited what this year of new beginnings really means for my life, or what is left of it.

Doc called today, and they are sending daddy to long'term Icu or Ecc?  It means that he will be there awhile.  They may have to take out his entire colon.  He's just not up to that.  They say that they will assure us when he is at the point of comfort only measures.

I know in my heart that he is already there, as he seemed so shocked yesterday after WEAKLY demanding  (begging) that the docs send him home, he's had enough.  They told him that if he did that, then he would certainly die.

Plus, his bacteria is contagious.

God works the good from all things.  Well, I feel even more blessed that Jacky died instantly, compared to this nightmare with daddy on a slow go that I have had to endure with his brother, his mother, and my mother and nephew. 

I'm tired, Nana, but I'm not whooped!  I just have a big heart, hate to see suffering.  I might be developing an ulcer, but that is probably my own neglect.  I'm not used to eating fast food and tin can stuff with lift tops.  I can't handle that sort of stuff, (just a bite or two),  so my body is kinda getting away from me, along with the demands from state and other systems, SCHEDULES.  All that I want is my health back, and my daddy perfect peace.  Too late now, for him, I guess.

So true, YOU, Miss Nana!  Our babes absolutely come first, despite our pain or problems!  I was bragging on you to an old acquaintance the other day.  I call her my other mama, since she went to high school with my own mama, yet wasn't really connected.  (She has been my best friend for about ten years before the discovery of her connection with my own mama).

She doesn't have a computer, but I just bragged to her about how you have so lifted your arms to God to keep you and get you through...  See, she suffered the same heart'ache as you, except that it was her nine year old son that she had rushed (she in a morning bad mood>>HER guilt), but had rushed to get on the bus.  He got off the bus....got hit by a car.  The end.

That was probably fifty years ago, long before my Jacky's end.  I met her about twenty'something years ago...still down on herself, she was.

Nana, I suffered as a child, and as a young adult, and she just watched the light of Christ in my eyes and couldn't help but to catch it, the light of Christ.  (She told me so the other day, and that felt sooo good, to know that I've truly been a path for SOMEbody in my life via Christ).

Way back then, I gave her scripture, and I gave her books....and now seems she has a ministry of her own.  There are state prisioners STANDING IN LINE to read books that she passes on.  How cool is that?!!

Life is hard, but the spirit continues on.  On earth, AND in heaven.  We do, we love, we watch, we cry,  we miss...but we can't ever forget that despite it all, we PRAISE.  And somewhere within it, there is a ministry for each and every one of us, if only be it to a simple child.

After all, what will that simple child accomplish from it?

Lots!

Look at me.  I praise God for using me.  I'm willing to be used.

Nite, Nana.  As usual, I will pray that God's will be done on earth, as it is in heaven.  Not MY will, but HIS will...

Thanks, Nana, for hugging Tracy.

Thanks, also, for your Hospice advice.  I'm DEFINITELY going to google that to see what it is all about.  I am being so run ragged between three different counties to do this, see to that....dead'lines/deadlines/deadlines....  "You must, you must, you must!"  This is all that I hear.  I could SCREAM!

Phone calls and messages....I HATE the phone!  I unplug it just to get my second wind and SLEEP.  But half the time I'm so afraid to....

I'm too close to the deadline of finishing up with Jacky's estate (NOT going to make it),  because of these deadlines that folks daddy's end have me running around like a chicken with it's head cut off.

I'm not going to manage to finish up with Jacky's estate on time.   (Maybe not even daddy's paperwork, as his red tape has to be done up by Thursday.)

I am in such high gear on a run to appease folks....I have to ask God....<<what if I wouldn't here?  HOW would the story end?

WOULD it end?

Nooo.

But SOMEBODY else would have to put their tappin' shoes on...and bare the dance.

If Hospice is a sort of place for someone to resign themselves to so that they can die out in peace>>>then it isn't a place that daddy is going to agree to.  His only will and determination is to get HOME.  He is so SURE that the neighborhood kids (that robbed him, wil help take care of him.)

No, he doesn't know that they have robbed him.

I DO so rely on God to lead me.  Step by step now, rather than day by day...

"You are My wonderful work...don't ever forget that.  You were not hidden from Me, for I created you.   I have ordained all your days; they were written in My book before the beginning of time.  My thoughts are precious to you...they are more than all the grains of sand."  Ps 139:14-18

"Trust in Me with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge Me and I will direct your paths."  Proverbs 3:5-6

I'm so glad that you are doing better, Nana.  I've been busy getting this place in shape too, as we are remodeling the back porch, extending it so that it will hold more people as we have so many over at a time.  It was one of Jacky's favorite spots and I get a little weepy wishing that he could see it now, but I know that he would be as tickled as I am over it.

Daddy is at the nursing home now supposedly trying to rehab, but he can't even manage to sit up, much less sit on the side of the bed.  His mind is perfectly good, just stuck in a lifeless body.  It is hard trying to get there to see him at least every other day, but I do try so that he won't feel like he has been tucked away and forgotten.  I've been really busy trying to handle his affairs and this end too.

I feel so sad and sorry for him, because he really expects that he can go home.  His potassium stays low, and I have a feeling that he might need blood since he had been getting it about every three days the month and a half that he was in the hospitals.

Thanks for keeping us in your prayers, because we sure do need them at the moment.  I have no idea what the future looks like, but have faith that God is in perfect control and will work the good from it.

"I am your hiding place, I will protect you from trouble and surround you with songs of deliverance...I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go...I will counsel you and watch over you.  Rejoice in Me..."  Pslam 32: 7-11

I read that verse every single day lately.  For every promise, there is an "if" or a command.  The command is so simple.  "Rejoice in Me."

Lots of love to you and yours.  I lift you up in prayer to God often.