micah lee david howard

Dear Nana,

You Have been like a childless woman, but now you can sing and shout for joy.  Now you will have more children than a woman whose husband never left her.

Make the tent you live in larger.  Lengthen it's ropes and strengthen the pegs!  You will extend your boundaries on all sides.  Your people will get back the land that the other nations now occupy.  Cities now deserted will be filled with people.

Do not be afraid--you will not be disgraced again; you will not be humiliated.  You will forget your unfaithfulness (to God)  as a young wife, and your desperate lonliness as a widow.  Your creator will be like a husband to you--the Lord God almighty is his name.  The Holy God of Israel will save you--He is the ruler of all the world.

Nana, (through the Promise), you are a young wife, deserted by her husband and deeply distressed.  But the Lord calls you back to him and says:  For one brief moment I left you; with deep love I will take you back.  I turned away angry for only a moment, but I will show you my love forever.

So says the Lord who saves you.

In the time of Noah I promised to never again flood the earth.  Now I promise not to be angry with you again; I will not reprimand or punish you.  The mountains and hills may crumble, but my love for you will never end: I will keep forever my promise of peace.

So says the Lord who loves you.

Oh Nana, you suffering helpless city with no one to comfort you.  I will rebuild your foundations with precious stones.  I will build your towers with rubies, your gates with stones that glow like fire, and the wall around you with jewels.

I myself will teach your people and give them prosperity and peace.  Justice and right will make you strong.  You will be safe from oppression and terror.  If any one attacks you, he does it without my consent; whoever fights against you will fall.

I create the blacksmith, who builds a fire and forges weapons.  I also create the soldier who uses the weapons to kill.  But no weapon will be able to hurt you:  You will have an answer for all who accuse you.  I will defend my servants and give them victory.

The Lord has spoken.

Love,

Your Father

Isaiah 54

Hello, Nana!  I am doing well, just feel to constantly be on the go since daddy died.  I can't wait for all of his/this death business and chaos to be done, all of the clearing out, cleaning up, legalities of the entire thing to be over because all I really want to do is stay home and cook.

Daddy's death certs have only just arrived, so maybe I can retain a lawyer tomorrow to help me really get down to business.  Jacky had left me some money, so hopefully I can save daddy's home, fix it up...wait until the market is right, sell it, repay Jacky's account, split the rest four ways 'twixt us kids...and stop all of this running around like chickens with our heads cut off.

At first I wasn't interested, felt guilty at maybe having to use Jacky's money...then felt honored to be able to do so after my prayer'time with God, because Jacky's greatest dream up until the day he died was to buy and own a home.  If God does allow our "happy" messages into heaven, then I KNOW that the boy ain't only laffin' and dancing, but so is daddy.  (And I can put his money back later, if I spend carefully.)

My brothers, who haven't had contact with daddy since their teens weren't interested at all...but when I shared my own bad "childhood" stories, and the forgiveness thingie and all...  I mean, honor your parents!  You'll never find a perfect one!  I told them, and this is the truth, that daddy wanted what he had split equally between his kids...and...their interest got sort of stirred up.

Especially my baby brother, REALLY tickles me to watch him get more excited at my plans to fix daddy's place up.  Sometimes I have to calm him down>>we're on Jacky's budget!!<<plan a little more carefully!  And don't forget nothing is cut and dry.  We have to see a lawyer first!

He's really held a hatred for daddy for years, and that's okay.  I'm not sure why...but I keep feeding him the heart'stories.  I mean, the kid has to have some good memories too?  Seems he does...and is softening.  (I call him a kid.  He's like thirty'six.  Ouch!

As we clear and clean daddy's house together, just us two, and my husband...he will take a break sitting back really interested in the older family stories that I have to tell.  (He didn't even remember our Mama's sister's name, his own aunt).  Of course he never met her, but, you know what I mean.  Every one of my siblings kept themselves alienated from my parents and their families, except me.  I have always been the....  I guess parent.  The mama of the clan.

He has such great plans on remodeling daddy's house, (we are all contractors, and he works for us except that the past year business is down), but anyway he has such great plans, that as I said, I have to WHOA him down.  I've not even decided on a Jacky'budget at the moment.

But, still....it's so fun watching him finally unwind, watching soooo MANY years of hatred just seem to melt from him.  He has a childhood home back (I hope), not seen the lawyer yet), that he can pretty much turn into whatever he wants to for a resale, (as long as he stays within budget), and....he's really excited.  (Even went investigating and found twenty year old love letters to himself from girls that he can't even recall stuffed here and there in attic areas, VERY grateful that his wife wouldn't around to watch him dig for a "daddy" stash!

Life is fun, Nana!  We just have to CHOOSE to make it fun.  After all, it's only handed to us one time.

And I am SO happy that daddy is dead.  I don't think that I could have taken many more days watching him suffer sooooo sooo much.   It was too exhausting on my emotions, and his too.

But daddy, and our Micah and Jacky lived it (life) to the tee while here, happy, free...and just...happy.  I can still see Jacky living it to a tee thru others.  I see my daddy smiling that his boys are finally coming around...and my sister, mind gone bad, is tickled silly with all of the furniture.  (But daddy knows that I won't fail him, any dollar deals to be split four ways>>>she'll get hers.  I'm just not sure if she will really get it.  She practically belongs to the state....)  But this is where the attorney fits in, I guess.

We have to focus on now, not then.  Let the hurt go, because tears aren't going to change anything.  Choose to let go of the pain, tell baby D' stories of Micah<<with a smile on your face.  MEAN it!  Because it's true.

Nana, we are who we are because of our experiences and stories.  As I told my baby brother, we would be wimps if we didn't have to suffer experiences in life.  What is life here on earth, without experience?

Our experiences mold us into either useful people, or helpless sorts.  It's our choice.  And when I decided not to become helpless....sometime around twenty years ago?  My home was in fore'closure.  I couldn't even afford beans>>resorted to two squash a day for squash soup<<I guess you get the picture...

I chose God.  I chose power.  I chose and determined that there was a way out of my mess<<a mess that I absolutely wasn't used to.

And he led me out.  I realized that I didn't even have to file bankruptsy to do it...

THAT'S GOD.

I chose to be happy>>and sure was rewarded.

Shocked later, that life still goes on, things happen, we get robbed....

But with a more calm understanding that we can't let the devil slip in to steal our rewards....our happiness.

  We ARE our children.  They are our descendants, a part of us.  We can't let doom and gloom slip in and rob THEM of their heirtage.

Nana, we ARE their heritage.  Their memories of us are what we choose to make for them.  You are such a very pretty woman.  Smile often, especially for De' and MaKayla....and just unwind story after story, even behind Micah.  Keep to the good memories.

You will get mentally/emotionally refreshed yourself!

And you will become...Nana again. 

Lots of love from this end!  Look forward to Thanksgiving and Christmas....and even that sad day.  Don't forget, it's only sad for us, because they aren't here physically for us.  Mentally/emotionally<<they always will be.

They're happy.  THEY are HAPPY, Nana!

Let us choose to be happy too, for our families benefit.

I love you lady!

(I need your mailing address too...)

Nana, You are a hospice care'taker....  I have to smile in a way, because surely you see that YOU'RE grief/way of grieving is perfectly natural.  And that's okay, just grieve as you please...and trust Christ to get you through it.  You WILL get through it, once you  quit trying to be the typical person in charge, the people pleaser....the family/keep'sake sort of person.

Hospice caretakers sent me a package on grief the other day, and I had to smile.  Yeah....MY way of handling grief is to keep to an over'hyper'active mode....an "I'm not here, but highly aimed to be else'where focusing on SOMEBODY else mode".  Then the "crash" modes.  (Sleepy.  Body needs to be fed.  Just general stuff...

Nana, you are right to hurt so beyond where your heart really lit up.  Your heart lit up with that first special person...your grand'child!

Most people think/pray over their children, such as I have for years...  But when that first gr'child comes along?  Oh my God!  Love, TRUE LOVE has no description.  That initial bond....

Nana?  Mess up all you want, emotionally!  Just be sure to keep God in the picture, asking him to do as he promised...working the good from the bad.

Even quitting your job>>ask Him to work the good from that, and watch what happens.  (FAITHFULLY watch via praise...)

Life isn't ALL bad after Jacky and Micah's death.  I can see God working the good from it all, already.  After all>>>our time here is going to end too, and we WILL get to re'unite with them.

I'm sleepy 'n tired, and daddy's business is no small project....Gruesome one, really,<<>>but I plan to take things slow and trust God to get me through. 

I'll try to do my share of eating along the way...<<It's just the way that I handle stress/grief/whatever...lack of hunger...

Love ya, Nana.  CHOOSE to be happy and enjoy tomorrow.  Life is a choise.  We can choose to enjoy the day....

Or not.

Nana, Nursing is your calling, I would think.  (I don't know that, just think it.  Else why did you choose it?)

I think it because....I'm NOT a nurse, get barfy at the slightest bodily....ooze.  (Shoot!  Feel barfy to the thoughts of what I've forced myself to watch oooze out of folks over the past ten years.)

Also, I know that you said that nurses are hard'hearted, HAVE to be with the daily grind, emotions and such...watching death enter every day and being hard'skinned to it all?

I can understand that!

I can understand you wanting to quit the business too, when it comes down to actually truly feeling and dealing with emotions that you have gotten/semi'gotten used to shunning.  You can't shun them anymore.  They are too close to home.

You are too close to Christ to ignore the meaning of life...

Nana, if you can, forgive the staff around you that hardened themselves against your true emotions.  (If you can't forgive, then ask Christ that dwells within you to forgive in your behalf.)  Seek another job in the area that you are qualified, except now....you are MORE qualified.  You have TRUE EXPERIENCE, not only with emotions, but with SPIRIT.  True comfort.

Nana, you are a nurse!  You chose that profession for some reason, and you will always be a nurse at heart.  Don't give it up now that true experience (dedication), is kicking in.  Spirits need you.  In your profession, they need you to whisper them on.  I watched daddy with one hospice gal, and wondered did he think that she was me....as he constantly reached out for her in his last hours.  (Her gr'ma resided there at the home).  But I wondered it, because she LOOKED like me in a blur, minus glasses.  But she was there for him...  She was there for him.

Nana, don't give up your calling, unless you feel that God is leading you to.  Be there for the truly passing.  You have more experience now...and your flesh is more soft'hearted.

I respect you beyond anyone that I can say or make you understand.  Give your ALL (feelings, emotions, EVERYTHING) to God, and forgive ALL to the best of your ability, (where you can't, give it to Christ that dwells within you to take up the slack...<<I've got a private story to tell you there someday...)

Who is that you decided to forgive for your child's sake?

Don't it feel good, forgiving....and not judging?

Let God be the Judge.  WE will sit back and reap in our own harvest'time.

The fellar that killed Jacky has been caught ONE more time, the fifth...I guess...since Jacky was killed.  Angie gets so high'strung, so into it...trying to keep the boy in jail before he kills anyone else.

I....don't feel like fighting bull'crap in the flesh anymore, always give it to God.

Strange, any time that the family has a big ka'doo, the paper comes out with this big deal of this guy getting charged AGAIN for something, typical same things....

I really can't see him making seventy'thousand dollar bond this get'go.

But I don't judge him.  He killed/accidently (or not?)...he killed Jacky.  No remorse...still the same ol' same ol'.  Same game.

Nana?  I'm willing to have my moment with him.  Christ has to walk into the moment with me. 

He may not take it all seriously, as seems he don't seem to take LIFE seriously at all, (He's taken one!!),  but...

I will let him know that I forgive him.

Then, I will grab hold of God's hand again...and walk away from him.

Hello, Nana.  Thanks for all of your precious messages.  I'm sorry that I haven't been back to candle'lighting and writing as I typically do, but it's really been a long couple months, much less year. 

Wow.  It's been a long year.

Daddy died when Jacky's Memorial should have been taking place, and we had to extend it to a week later....today/night.

We were over'whelmed with people last weekend, but not people that cared about daddy, or even knew him, but people that cared about ME.  They even showed up at the viewing and funeral for ME, because they knew that not many actual blood'family would show.  It was a support system.

We had put off Jacky's Memorial because of daddy's passing, and....surely there were sixty'seventy plus folks here today with kids....some I didn't know...didn't recognize...but they were all connected to Jacky in some way, shape, form or fashion...and that gave me peace.  I could LAFF over the stories, the memories...  I could just...not feel a single bit of sadness other than just wishing....so wishing...that JACKY could be here with us, witnessing this great celebration over his memory.  See, I honestly felt that he WAS here/IS here, drawing the same crowd that his kewl character always seemed to draw...love of friends and family and gatherings.  He was absolutely so "cool" and so loved!

How would I have felt if only a handful had showed?  MISERABLE!!  I would have been sad to no end, feeling that no one cared as much as me.  (I even got kinda nervous about it, knowing that people cared, but afraid that folks were getting confused as Daddy's passing kept causing me to switch dates and hours, and depending on others to pass the word on for me.

But bottom line is, my earthly support system kicked in along with my Heavenly team, and...no, we aren't rejoicing over a death...

We're choosing to rejoice over a new heavenlie existence.  We're choosing to rejoice to the fact that we had the honor of knowing him as an earthly existence....and me....I'm so proud to have been chosen as his mama.

We're choosing to rejoice, because grieving isn't going to bring him back.  If it could...I sure would...I sure would choose to go to bed and never get back up until he...came back.

I'm living for him now, MY LOSS.  What would he say?  "Mama, go on!  Don't you stop cookin'!  Don't you stop entertaining, don't stop doing what you do,  because it's what ((I)) lived for there with you!"

"Mama, don't you stop with the stories, and that cackly laff that you have..."

"Mama, don't stop your giving...and give a little on my behalf too..."

"Mama, you're thin and shaky...but you've always been thin and shaky.  But, okay, it's time to wrap it up and take a rest now.  Forget Pa'paw...  He's here.  His business might be there....but what are they going to do?  Prosecute you for ignoring it?  And who's going to prosecute you anyway? O'bama, or Mc'Clain?  Mama!  Get real!  Go to bed!  Get some rest!"

Smile, Nana, but that's about how my conversation with Jacky would go.  My lungs do hurt lately, incredibly so...I figure the warm days shifting into sharp night air. (Plus I smoke.  Owie~)

I DO need rest, altho I feel to keep on top of it all.  I can't imagine immediately diving into daddy's business and wrap'ups>>which we are looking at a year of running and head'banging, and fininshing up Jacky's wrap'ups....taxes, investments, and that....trial.  My body needs some serious (rest) investment of it's own.  I mean...the funeral home, other insurances that he , daddy, may have had...I can't keep up....I give up.  I just want to be happy, doing what I do. 

My lungs hurt....  Hurt, hurt...

But doing what I do best...

And that's being happy....in Christ.  I am happy, being happy, in my own spirit.  Christ spirit. 

I wish that I could explain it.  I pray that you ask to receive it, because once you pray for THAT sort of happiness and peace?  You are defintely promised to receive it.  Just simply let go of the old negative thoughts/ideas....and RECEIVE it, the very fact that you CAN, can, can, CAN be happy again.

Only through Christ, tho.

The guy that got Jacky killed...is a piece of work...  Whole nother story/topic.

But I don't let him ruin my life.

I just try to coax others into not letting it ruin theirs, and...and recognize that there is a bigger picture happening here.  I'm not quite sure if God is using all of this for our end our that boy's (family) end....but I'm so very sure that it will all work out for the good, and there will be a story behind it, a testimony.

Love you, Nana, Angie & family...

Smile.  I'm seriously waiting for time to get time to WRITE and and catch up and do my simply calm business as far as life is concerned.  But...I'm learning that time here on earth is painful...can't keep up with the calendar.  (Would rather sit back in a rocking chair and rock to it...time...<<sometimes.

Nana, trust me, I know that God is with me every step of the way...the peace is too perfect inside me, despite the physical and emotional exertion.  I think that I can probably get a good minute to sit down and write you a personal e'mail tomorrow.

By the way, I made daddy, who eats NOTHING, those black'eyed peas, mashed them up, and he ATE.  Lots, for him at the moment.  I go ahead and give him whatever he wants to drink too, despite the fact that they want to put thickener in it.  He drinks tons of water as long as it don't have the thickener in it, and he doesn't choke like they say...is what the thickener is for?    But that thickening stuff....he's not going to touch the water, and nor the food, if not seasoned.  No wonder people die!  They starve and thirst to death because there isn't anything offered to stimulate their appetites!

I can't go every day, tho, as it is a fifty plus mile round trip, but I do try to go every other day.  I think I'll take him a choice of pintos or grits or both day after tomorrow.  Maybe fry an egg over easy and toss the yolk into the grits...lots of heavy cream....

If you would rather work else'where, then you and me will pray in agreement, and you will absolutely get the best job, best employer such as you have ever dreamed of. 

Your life this time next year, can be so on top of the world such as you've ever imagined....despite the storms/struggles that the fleshly life offers around us.

Nana?

What is your birthstone, Angie's b'stone, Micah's and baby De?  I've already found Micah's C'mas tree ornament, need to go ahead and order.  I know that he is a Disney babe.  (To be honest, Jacky is too.  Plus...Jacky was a BIG cartoon net'work fan, that loved getting up early Saturday mornings and laying around with the babes, or even alone, to watch.)

Smile to the memories.  Love you & family.

Thanks, Nana.  Family can't be there around the clock, is impossible.  Even myself, dancing around my own family's schedule....  My health, I have to be delicate with myself, because I'm truly physically delicate at the moment.  He gets mad at me because I can't manage to pull the sheet beneath him hard enough to shift him.

But I sure would love to see him at least spend his last week in his home.  I think that between myself and Angie....we maybe could swing that.  It's a really weak maybe, tho.  First, we don't know which week would truly be his last week, and second...we can't possibly put it all together that quick, the red tape one has to go thru and all...you know.

It sure would be nice, tho.  (ME personally, in his shoes, would absolutely want to leave this place that I have owned since I began buying/bought at eighteen years old).  The place that holds all of the memories of my life....the good, the bad, the ugly...the GREATEST.

(I have a feeling that my spirit will have some in'put of a stalk of this place once I'm gone, no matter WHO owns it afterwards....)

But God clearly put it into my spirit as I pray and pray and pray and ponder it. 

Daddy is going to forgive me once he hits heaven.

Because he is going to feel so indescribly GOOD.

Nothing here will mean anything anymore, except FAMILY.

And he will know...THEN....that he had a daughter that did the best that she could, put up with more than most would have....  Did the best she could despite the circumstances.

I've done the best that I can, despite the circumstances, Nana.

I'm still going to get with the Hospice case'worker tomorrow and ask the same questions all over again, after I feed him his black'eyed peas>>IF he still wants them.  I don't think that he can afford around the clock hospice at home.  I KNOW that there is no way that he can have round'the'clock family too.   We will see.

I had a great day, tho, numbing myself to the problem and facing reality.  THREE babes on simple shopping sprees, nudging each other, bossy, bossy, bossy!  I CRACK!  What has that Angie gotten herself into?  (I praise God for it too!  When he said that he would restore what Satan takes from us something like seven'fold....)  I'm getting rewarded many delights, from young ones (babes),  to ones Jacky's age.

So UNREAL, Angie is absorbing mother'hood like a sponge.  I mean, THREE Havens she is suddenly staring at and dealing with?

A set of twins handed to me that in all honesty look more like me than my bossy babe.  And their dad, that John so loves already.  Me too!

And the new folks across the street, same age as Jacky and Angie.  At first I was too weary of them, (that judging thingie/mind'set, you know?)  But oh.....I LOVE 'em!  I took mah shield down.  Shield of judgement...

Nobody can possibly replace Jacky.  But God doesn't lie when he promises to restore your pain, your loss...(I think at least seven'fold).  I'll have to search Scriptures to see for sure.

I guess just read the book of Job...read the beginning and the end, because the middle is just a mindless babble of so'called friends speculation on why Job is going thru what he is at the moment.

Read the end.  God totally restored him in an awesome way that was very confusing to me...

Until I lost Jacky...

Thanks, Nana, for being "at the other end of this computer."

Nana, Daddy knows that he is dying, wants to go home to die.  Where is the wisdom in this?

Family can't be there around the clock.

His pension keeps him from being medicaid qualified, and dfacs (human resources?) is pondering how to make him qualified for the nursing home.  He has to pay a thousand dollars a month to the nursing home along with what Medicare pays, if he manages to stay there that long at a time.  He has only managed it one time.

He has bills at home too, mortgage, etc.  He only has about three thousand a month, cut down to two thousand if the nursing home needs to be paid...

Is it possible for him to go home to die with Hospice fully in care?

I'm totally clueless with this medicare/medicaid business.  I'm give out too, to this mess.  I will truly feel guilty to a point, if the man can't just go home, see his house/surroundings, and just please die fairly immediately there.  How bad does that sound?  Better than him suffering his time out in the nursing home, and dying where he don't want to die.

I just want him to die in peace.

Thanks, and love to you all and yours...

Thank you for the song, Nana.  It is soooo true!

I got tickled when I read about me being on the other end of this computer somewhere.

If the truth be known, God had you in his sights, as Jacky would say, and me too....and directed our paths to cross for whatever reason He knows would work to the good.  We're not here for no reason, we're here for some reason, and that is to benefit Him in the long run.  We might not understand where we are, why he put us here....and where we are going....but He most certainly has a plan, if none other than joining our family together into a strong belief that HE is our relief.  He is our focus, because after the pain that we have shared losing a sooooo very dear loved one...  Where else is there to focus, but on Him?  Him or depression...hell....

Don't get me wrong, he didn't cause the deaths....but...I guess that he allowed them for a reason.  I pleaded the blood of Christ over Jacky daily, as I do all of my children.  I reckon, maybe....maybe the "but" part of it all was that I have tons of family out here that needed to build a relationship with Him also, and since Jacky could be used by him there, called back home, and Jacky was willing...then he allowed it and worked it all to the good IMMEDIATELY.

I know where Jacky is.  If it had been many others in my family to suffer the same fate, I wouldn't be so sure. 

Now....I am, and that is comforting.  Now I'm really sure who my family's focus is on, and where they are going if one of them happened to be next.

Love you, Nana.  Mentally, emotionally...I'm doing very well, because I'm doing very well spiritually.  Physically....that part is a struggle for me, but I had been becoming stronger by the day until today.  I have such a battle with food, love cooking it...can't much stomach eating it because I'm such a hyper person, and I guess that my stomach is hyper too.

But I've been praying for healing, and truly felt that healing begin to come on me yesterday, so....I'm hanging tight to it.  Healing is simply faith, simply drinking the water...accepting it, not doubting it.

Hugs to the family!

Hello, Nana, Angie & family!  I should be in bed, (midnight) but I can't sleep.  This has been the longest year of my life, from October....to October...

Jacky's memorial is this month, and a huge Memorial planned, but oddly...this month seems to be the month of daddy's choosing to refuse everything that a hospital has to offer, from machines, to feeding tubes.  He hasn't eaten or drank anything in several days now, but he has his mind...it's really all his decision.  Hospice has stepped in.  That's all okay with me, except that it makes the month of October a little more emotional for me.  Or maybe it's because it has been/will be an entire year since I saw Jacky last, last heard his voice, yet all seems as crystal clear as yesterday.

Listening to Paula White yesterday, she hit the nail on the nose.  When you lose a parent, you don't lose the most perfect person in the world...altho some can seem to brag that is exactly what they have lost....but we have lost mistakes made, that we have witnessed...yet we have lost also smiles to our own triumphs.  We have gained memories...yet we have lost the ones that created those memories.  Not her exact words, but fairly similiar thoughts.

My point...  Meeting with Hospice tonight, they wonder why out of four siblings, I am the ONLY ONE that visits, seems to care or give any input where daddy is concerned.  Simple reason.  THEY (sibs),  haven't seen him for years.  They live close, but aren't close, because of minor upsets from their youth.  (I was embarassed, trying to explain, but...life is what it is.) 

First, my sister can be excused.  She is mentally ill, at the moment in Peachford Hospital about to be released ONCE AGAIN.  WHAT a headache, same cycle.  She'll go back within a few days to a few weeks, as she refuses her meds and gets totatlly psychotic.  She can't help it.  And she would like to see daddy.  But...HE would have a die'on'the'moment heart attack if she walked into the room, because he wants nothing to do with her....can't deal with her, as nor can my other two siblings...brothers.  They won't deal with her/see her either.

I barely can, and try as little as possible with her since she lost her last two kids several years ago.  Their father has them.  I have her first'born, have had her since she was....first born.  Year one.  She is now sixteen.  Good girl, clear'headed, colledge aimed.  (She's still a teenager, tho.  Owie!)  But the best teenager I've raised so far, so....yaayyy!

My other two brothers have no excuse for not visiting daddy these past many many many years.  They keep up with me like I'm some mama hen, they enjoy monthly feasts that have often gone on for years here, they ask about daddy....but they don't make the effort, admittedly so...to see him.  I speak on un'forgiveness, see it in their heart, but don't press them or preach that this is exactly what they can be truly free of...because I personally refuse to judge them and their un'forgiveness.  I refuse to make them feel any worse than they already do, altho my heart knows that one simple step into that room that should have really been made into a life'time ago, and a simple..."I Love you" is all that they need to say to recieve that feeling of FREEDOM, forgiveness from above for themselves....  Freedom from oppression.

The reason that I'm saying this?

Because I feel more free to explain it to you, Nana, what I couldn't explain to the Hospice social worker today.  As I stumbled for thought....(and she is a very lovely, sweet girl), but I thought....if you were just NANA sitting here asking me these questions, I could explain better.

But I couldn't at the moment explain what I didn't even understand.  How can my brothers not forgive things that I have no knowledge of...yet...they are just stuck in a youthful mad moment at our...parent.

A parent that made mistakes.  (I counted so many of my own in that moment.)  A parent that judged harshly.  (Whoooooo, made so many mistakes in that area.  Thank God Angie forgives me...)

Nana?  Aren't you a nurse?

I think that you should be a counselor.

I thank God for you everyday.  We have both rode the emotional roller coaster of life hand in hand...2008.

Micah's Angie?  I know you have too darling!  I'm a gr'mother, but I'm a mother too.  Emotionally lost/hurt...life loss, the awful experience....

I thank your family for becoming a part of my extended family in Christ.  Thank you.

Thank you, Nana.  All that you have fed me from your experience of Hospice care, which I really hadn't ever heard of....just coached me along today.

Thank you so much!  I love you and yours!  Jacky too, I KNOW it.